Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
