You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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