omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
