4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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