Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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