I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
