Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
