If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
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Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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