My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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