They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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