He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
