his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
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My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"