I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess