Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
