I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
