If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
