I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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