note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
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Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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