I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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