i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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