a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
