So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
