I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Let's get the cat blown out
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
