it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
