im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
