The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You are the jesus of drinking
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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