his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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