i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
