these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
