How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
