Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
