are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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