I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
