I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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