i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
