Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
