I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
