I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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