More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
