So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
