I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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