I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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