If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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