Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
