My underwear smells like fireworks.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
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