the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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