she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
