I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
