don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
