saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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