There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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