Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
