I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
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We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
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im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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