I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
